Monday, June 8, 2009

A Night of Nostalgia

Maybe it's because i've always enjoyed re-living old memories that I love to read things i've written in the past.
Old Myspace messages.
Notes that were passed back and forth in middle school.
Tonight, my memoirs of choice happen to be my livejournal.
I switched from livejournal to blogger less than a year ago, and I really haven't gone back and looked through what I wrote in there since then.
It's both unfortunate and joyful how much my own journals can make me cry.
As I was reading through entry after entry, I came across a few that really stuck out to me.
First was a list I had complied of what I think constitutes "Kim."
Although there is much more I could add, I completely love how 99% of these are still true one year later.
For so many years, I changed who I was constantly, ever changing with the times.
It makes me feel so good inside to know that I seem to have finally realized just who it is that I am, and am sticking with it!

*I really love politics. Talking about it, following it in the news, debating it, learning about it, everything politics.
*I really enjoy playing video games. Not all video games, but I think the fact that I, an 18 year old girl, own a pink DS Lite should attest to the fact that I really do like video games.
*I love movies. And not just tear-jerking chick-flicks. Yeah, I love those, but I really enjoy something that scares the bajeebas outta me sometimes, or some good blood and guts gore.
*I sing. A LOT. In my room. At church. In class. In the shower. In my head. As I walk to class. Music is my life's narration.
*I LOOOOVE swimming. Mostly on my own. And swimming in thunderstorms is probably in my top 3 list of my favorite things to do ever.
*I really like to hike and camp and pee in the woods and eat bark and not shower for days.
*I love to do my hair and put on make-up and walk out of the apartment looking cute.
*My favorite color is pink.
*I love rice cakes and diet soda and fat-free foods.
*I love to pig out on ice cream and chips and eat a burger the size of my head.
*I like to wrestle and prove that I AM strong.
*I love to sit around late at night and gossip with my girlfriends about boys.
*I love to walk around in the middle of the night with a friend, talking and laughing and just enjoying ourselves.
*I love chocolate milkshakes.
*Shoes are a little bit of an obsession of mine.
*Fishing is actually really fun, even if the fish are slimy and creepy looking.
*I'm pretty good when it comes to computers or fixing things. I'm also pretty good at math, science, spelling, grammar, useless historical facts...
*I remember a whole lot. And when I say whole lot, I really do mean a LOT. You'd be surprised by the random things I remember about you or your mom or that bicycle you had when you were 6.
*I am generally honest and blunt and straight-forward.
*I have no problem wearing a pair of jeans 5 or 6 times before washing them again.
*I blog like crazy. Almost all of it is private and only my BFFE's have access to it, but my online journal is one of the most important things to me and has been the greatest stress reliever/therapist/advice giver/friend/everything to me.
*I LOVE the book "Oliver Twist" more than almost any other book out there.
*I express myself way too much at times and not enough most other times.
*I like to work out and have buff arms and legs and flex my muscles and show off.
*I will scream and run if I see a cricket, but i've got no problem holding a tarantula in my hand with a snake wrapped around my neck, while standing on a balcony VERY high up in the air with a clown standing next to me. Nothing really scares me except for crickets.
*I like to go shooting. Not at animals, but at random trash and bottles in the middle of the desert.
*I write my name all cutesy on everything.
*I am very sarcastic.
*I enjoy ditching classes and not even doing anything fun in place of it, like sitting at home watching "Smallville" instead of going to American Heritage.
*I have very strong opinions and beliefs when it comes to certain issues and I will argue with you until we're both out of breath and I still won't change my mind.
*I love kids and babies and the whole idea of having a family.
*I love getting sweet scars and showing them off to people, explaining how I got it, not leaving out any of the messy details.

The only thing that has changed is the working out bit.
Which, hasn't changed too much because I honestly do love to work out and build up muscles.
I just can't seem to find the motivation anymore.

The thing that really made me cry, though, was a particular entry I wrote on July 8th of last year.
It's about a dream that I had.
I had completely forgotten about this dream until I just read it again.

"I had this dream last night.
It felt more real than almost any other dream i've ever had.
Unfortunately, I only remember parts of it.
The most important parts, I guess.
Something happened to me and I was laying in this really big, comfy bed.
It was hard for me to move and I was on the verge of tears.
Suddenly, this guy comes in and gives me a glass of water.
He then lays down next to me on the bed.
He puts his arms around me and holds me till I fall asleep.
When I finally wake up, he's still there next to me.
He never fell asleep.
I still feel really sore, so he massages my arms and legs and feet for me.
In the dream, it felt like we were in love.
But also in the dream, I remember that when he first came in the room with a glass of water for me, I had never met him before.
Some total stranger came in and took care of me.
And I loved him.
I woke up with a smile on my face."

The man in the dream... it was Brad.
Though I knew Brad at the time I had the dream, and though the man in the dream was not physically Brad, it was him.
I read this little blurb about a dream I had almost a year ago and it hit me instantly that this dream was about who would become my husband.
Brad IS the stranger who just came into my life that I fell in love with.
Previously, the men in my life were boys I had grown up with.
Familiar males who I lived in the same town with, had the same classes with, and had friends in common with.
And yet here came this strong, sensitive, amazing man who I had never known before.
We grew up on opposite sides of the country, had no classes in common, no friends in common.
But we fell in love.
He is the one who brings me a glass of water when i'm in bed.
He is the one who will massage my muscles when i'm sore.
He is the one who hears me crying in the middle of the night and will give me a blessing.
This stranger is so amazing.

There's another story about Brad that wholly confirms my love for him and my faith that marrying him was pre-destined.
Sometimes, I get de ja vu.
I'm not sure how de ja vu is for other people, but for me it's like i've always had some memory in my mind.
Some memory that never quite made sense and that I could never fully remember.
It generally feels like it's a memory that was put into my head without ever truly happening.
And then, one day, the memory comes true.
As a small example, when I was younger, I always had this memory of my oldest sister, laying on her stomach, resting her chin on her hands, and watching TV.
She was older in the memory, not like the age she was when I would have this memory.
Then one day, only a few years ago, there she was, laying in front of the TV.
It was de ja vu.
Like my memory finally came true.
I have this belief that before we all came to Earth, we saw our lives.
And for one reason or another, despite the pain and suffering we might have seen, we decided that coming to Earth was still worth it.
When I have de ja vu, I feel like it's memories of what I saw before I was born.
Little snippits of my life that I had already witnessed.
Now, on to the main point.
Every year for as long as I can remember, my family would take a trip to Knotts Berry Farm (if you haven't been there... GO! Buena Park, CA.)
And for as long as I can remember, I always had this memory of standing in line for a ride, with the love of my life behind me, arms around my waist, and knowing this was the man I would marry, this was the man I truly loved.
This past year, Brad went with my family to Knotts Berry Farm.
And at one point, in line for one ride, my memory came true.
And it was more vivid than ever.
My memory had always been of Brad.
I could see his face, his smile, his arms holding me close.
I know it sounds ridiculous, having a memory of Brad years before I ever met him, but at that instant, in the midst of roller coasters and tourists, I knew more than ever that Brad was the one.
So cheesy, I know.

I'm sorry this entry is so long, but I have one more thing to post.
The most substantial thing I ever jotted down in my livejournal account, though it seems so meaningless.

"Sometimes I wonder about the things I just let pass me by.
How many chances I never took.
Where certain things would have led me.
What if I had given Jon more of a chance?
Would Eric have still come into the picture?
Might we have dated all through high school?
Would I have gone to college with him instead of coming here?
What if I hadn't closed my heart up after what JP did to me?
Would I have realized that I was in love with Nate?
Would I have stayed in DHS for him?
I could come up with so many "what ifs," but each of them lead me to somewhere other than BYU Idaho.
I know I would have been happy making other choices and following the roads they might have taken me.
But I know that I needed to come here.
I'm not sure why yet.
Something in some class that I needed to learn?
Some friend I needed to help or to help me?
Some guy to meet that I could end up marrying?
I don't know.
There's some purpose here, and I suppose i'm just impatient to find out what it is.
Maybe that's why I want to leave so badly.
To take a step back and look at the whole picture.
Clearly see what's been right in front of me this entire time."

I feel like I was predicting my own future.
If I hadn't gone to BYU Idaho, I never would have discovered my love for politics.
If I hadn't gone to BYU Idaho, I never would have met Ana, who I know is going to be one of my best friends for the rest of my life.
If I hadn't gone to BYU Idaho, and this is the most important one, I would never have met Brad.
And it's funny how it wasn't until I left school, took a step back to look at the whole picture, that I truly discovered any of this.

I love my life so much and I am so grateful for all I have.
I look back at people and places in the past with nothing but absolute love.
For without the people I knew and the places I went, I would never be where I am now.
Close to my heavenly father, married to the most wonderful man, and just happy with who I am.

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