Saturday, September 27, 2008

They never said life would be easy...

Why is it so freaking DIFFICULT for me to just get over this?
Why can't I get past it?
Why can't these stupid feelings have gone away already?
I wish more than anything that I could erase parts of my memory.
Then I could stop driving home crying.
Or throwing my phone across the room.
Or punching my pillow while cursing at myself!

I need to get away.
This is what my parents don't understand about me not wanting to live here in town with them.
I can't take it.
Sometimes to get over something, you just need to completely remove yourself.
Burn all bridges.
Cut all ties.
Detach myself from what once was.
And being here isn't helping that.
It doesn't help when I drive past his house.
Or when his mom stops me at the grocery store.
Or when an old acquaintance assumes I might know how he's doing and what he's been up to.
I can't handle it.
No matter how well I can compose myself and act like everything is ok, the second i'm alone, I let loose.
And it's driving me nuts.
And I thought that with repentance, with deleting his number, by ignoring his invites...
Things might be solved.
But they aren't.
Thank goodness I'll be in Idaho on Tuesday.
Thank goodness he'll be in Iraq on Tuesday.
I really don't think that these mental breakdowns are good for me.

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